5 Steps: How To Be Emphatic When You Don't Have a Clue
I worked in property long enough to know there are some genuinely lovely, well-meaning people out there that have the emphatic abilities of a burnt stick.
If you decide to speak to them about anything anywhere near approaching the EQ spectrum you’ll likely get a pat on the back and something like "worse things happen at sea!"
Yeah, cheers Bob.
But what if you’re the Bob?
What if you hate how you have the emotional intelligence of a sack of potatoes?
Or if you actually have quite an enriched inner world but your communication skills are poor at best?
Fear not Bob, for I have your back!
Here is my 5 Step Guide to at least 'seeming' emphatic.
1) Affirm Them
This step is about providing reassurance that their feelings are valid, as are their views. You don't have to agree with what is being said, just that they have the right say it.
Instead of 'you whinging again?', try:
- Thank you for telling me that, it's helpful to hear
- I'm pleased you came to me, I am listening to you
- I appreciate your feeling able to tell me that
Affirming their position is a valid one is the first step in building that necessary empathy bi-product; trust.
2) Acknowledge Them
Agreeing something must have been hard for someone is not the same as saying it actually was hard. Therefore, you can acknowledge without losing your integrity when someone really is crying over spilt milk.
Instead of 'oh yeah, that sucks!', try:
- I can see how that might feel difficult
- I can understand why that would upset you
- I appreciate you are frustrated right now
Once a person is acknowledged, they begin to feel heard.
Humans being what they are, they tend to hear what they want … it’s a well-known fact that we are all TERRIBLE listeners (what do you mean you didn’t know? I’ve definitely told you before). Therefore, Carol will likely believe you are in cahoots by this stage, especially if you do it smoothly.
Therefore, be careful with your wording. It’s all when and good Carol believing you’re on her side when she’s talking about her husband’s tendency to miss half the garden when mowing the lawn, but if she’s coming to you about something more sensitive – say the guy in account’s BO issue – you want to acknowledge without agreeing for optimum workplace ethical politics.
Trust will continue to grow.
3) Assure Them
This part is about making sure they feel they've been heard. If its work / action based, this is where you tell them you'll take it seriously or move it forward and if its personal, you tell them they were ok to talk to you.
Instead of 'not sure what you expect me to do about it', try:
- I promise you I will report this up the chain
- I'm pleased you could trust me with this
- If you're not sure what you'd like to happen next (if anything), we can catch up again tomorrow once you've thought more?
By now you’re in full empathy mode, and people will feel it.
Be careful not to be fake. Cheesy grins, the singsong voice you use for a toddler hiding the TV remote and overly enthusing is a dead giveaway that you’re following an empathy script. Dig down and really make an effort to think and feel your statements.
Remember, people smell bullshit easier than a bacon sandwich on a hangover.
4) Be Honest
If the thought of being emphatic makes your skin crawl, your mouth go dry and your brain shout DANGER WILL ROBINSON, but you really want to try, just be honest.
Instead of 'What's that noise?! Sounds like a bird stuck in the A/C! BYE!', try:
- I'm not sure what's best to say right now, but please know I am listening
- I am not going to lie to you, I am out of my comfort zone right now. How can I support you better?
- I want to make sure I do the right thing here, is there someone else we should bring in?
Trust is the name of the game here.
Trust is created through vulnerability, and nothing says vulnerable like admitting you’re not entirely sure what’s going on but you’re bloody well trying.
NB: Please note that you’re entirely on your own when the grad throws his arms round you and shouts “Oh Bob, I knew you were a good man!”. At this point, feel free to squirm in your seat.
5) And Lastly, Don't Offer 'Could Be Worse's'
Susan's divorce will not seem easier when you remind her some people never find love at all.
Pete's crippling presentation fear will not go away because at least his job's not on the line.
Merv's dead dog isn't going to be less dead because you reminded him at least it wasn't one of the kids.
There is no win here. If you feel the 'well at least' rising in your throat, slam your hand over your mouth and walk away.
Good luck out there, Bob!
