A Friend and Her Husband Are Going Through a Rough Patch

I am not a gossiper but I certainly enjoy hearing gossip.

By that I mean that I love hearing about someone else’s life; the fall outs they’ve had, the details behind their relationships, what they think of their friends and what their friends think of them. I love hearing what they’re thinking and feeling at this exact second, what they ‘assume’ verses ‘what they know’ and smiling to myself internally because 9 times out of 10, they know very little and assume a lot.

I don’t like to get involved, I rather not give my view and I am pretty good at listening without passing any judgement.  In fact, one of my many super skills is that I can sit and look at you in a way which will make you rant at me for upwards to, and even over, an hour … I will do it without moving or speaking, or perhaps even smiling, until there comes a point where you suddenly realise you’ve told me far more than you meant to, and I haven’t said a word in bloody ages.

Okay, okay… this is coaching.  

These days I find myself bringing this skill IRL*.  I try desperately hard not to coach people unless we are in a contracted coaching session because it’s bloody annoying when people try and coach you without invitation – I know enough coaches to know how true this is – but I do find myself not adding to the conversation unless it is invited these days.

Case in point: a friend and her husband are going through a rough patch. Well, I say *they* are going through a rough patch, it’s only really her going through the patch – he’s totally oblivious. And that in a nutshell is the reason for the rough patch. 

I often listen to her explaining how she has a limited patience for this scenario, how it might be the beginning of the end of their marriage, how she can see where affairs happen with such little attention, how cruel he is, etc etc. And I feel for her; it seems to me she’s not making it up, there has been a shift, though I couldn’t say what is behind it or what it means.

Now if this was a client, I would have a few options here.

I could give her the space to get her frustrations on the table, like squeezing a nasty blackhead to get all the gunk out.  I could help her mull over what it is that’s missing, where has it gone, and whether it was really there in the first place. I could help her understand if he was the one that changed, or perhaps it was her all along.

I could support her while she sorted through thoughts on whether this shift is their marriage’s natural destination.  She could consider if she wants to fight and change it back, accept it or whether it’s a sign the relationship, for her, is at its final resting place.

I can give her the freedom to consider what she genuinely does and doesn’t like about him, as well as them as a ‘we’, and what the alternative would look like, without hurting anyone’s feelings or setting hares running.  

I could nudge her to explore the possibility that this has nothing whatsoever to do with him and their relationship, and she’s actually upset with / frightened of / excited by something (or someone) entirely different. 

Or I can do a mix of all the above.

As a friend however, we tend to think our options include agreeing he’s being a dick, suggesting she’s being a dick or changing the subject entirely.

In a previous life I would have listened as intently as I could, but I would have smattered the conversation with my view. I would have ‘people-pleased’ by agreeing that he is totally in the wrong and she is right to be angry.  But I would have tried to soften it with a few “well I suppose he is only …. [insert vague defensive response here]”.  I would then have launched into giving my advice on the situation which would have been completely clouded by my own perceptions and life-experiences, because I am only human.

Of course as a coach I would never dream of listening to a friend pouring their heart out to me only to respond with some quick coaching question like, “I hear that you are feeling emotionally abandoned by your spouse. How else might you be feeling about your marriage right now?”, which would be cold, uncaring and entirely unwanted. (NB: I am being facetious for blog content – I am a very capable, eloquent, and considerate coach). 

I have, however, learned through coaching to listen and smile or nod encouragingly without an expression that leads them down a certain path (aka ‘colluding’) so that the story is entirely theirs and not mine.  More importantly, I have learned not to share my view unless it is invited.  If (and it’s a big ‘if’) I feel really strongly about something I might say “I have thoughts on this but I’ll only share them with you if you want me to”, but mostly I won’t even say that. 

Why?

Because my friend not asking for my opinion tells me something really, really important; she doesn’t want it. 

She doesn’t want an answer. She doesn’t want my view. She doesn’t want my advice, experience or thoughts.

All she wants is to talk it out of her system.  And you know what? Nine times out of ten, she will come to an epiphany by herself while she is ranting away, unstopped and with no judgement from me, which will be far more useful to her than anything I would have to say anyway.

Oh, hang on a minute. That’s coaching too.

(*IRL= text speak for In Real Life. SMH).